July 26th, 2011 AM

Wow, I just went back and read all of my previous posts. What a trip that was. Talk about moving in fast forward.

Life is an uphill battle, but like Miley Cirus says, "It's the climb".

I have had some really low lows and now I feel like I am riding the crest of a wave. I feel renewed and regenerated. But I said this in my last blog. Joe and I have been praying together, which is such a blessing to me, I hope it is to him too. I was never able to do that before. I feel unsure in the way I pray. Especially compared to Joe, he prays so beautifully, it is so heart felt and sincere.

It is just so awesome to be talking to him again. To be his friend. I feel like he gets me like no one else does. He has seen me at my worst and I am happy for him to see me at my best (or at least talk to me at my best). I know he is scared and unsure. I know he wants to start trusting me again but he is so frightened that I will hurt him again. I don't blame him, I would feel the same exact way if our roles were reversed. It is easy to say I have changed, but until he sees it himself, he will never believe it.

have to go to therapy now, will probably blog more later...

July 24th, 2011

ok, it has been almost another 10 days since my last post and I feel AWESOME.

I can not even explain it. I don't know if it is God that saved me, the hypno therapy mp3s I have been listening to, or all the reading I have been doing, but I feel like a new person.  I wish I could go back in time about two years and tell myself to stop being stupid and get on the ball, take your darn pills and start praying for a miracle.. maybe I would have avoided causing myself and everyone around me so much pain.

All of the anger that I felt before is gone. All of the pain and anxiety I felt, gone.  I wake up excited every morning and I want to do something, but I miss my girls and I miss Joe.  I feel like I have no one  to do anything with and it will only get worse once Tina goes back to work... that is two weeks away... :o( .
My mom and my sister have been so awesome to me. They have encouraged me and supported me through all of the Hell I have been going through. Listening to me cry about the same thing again and again... and again... I couldn't have done that, at least I couldn't have before.. I think I could now.

I have a clear idea of what I want out of my life and right now that does not  include a man.  Although I hope to retain Joe as my friend, I honestly can not imagine my life without him in it.  It doesn't seem possible, but I guess I am going to have to get use to the idea.

Anyway, for today, I am doing great. I feel strong, I feel whole.. I feel like I want to start having some fun....

God Bless

July 15th, 2011

Boy, it's been a while.
Where am I at?  I have gone to the hospital because I just could not stop crying. It was non stop for 3 days, I finally asked my sister to take me. I was so scared, I really thought that they were going to admit me. Even my mom and sister were scared.  What finally happened though is that the dr I saw realized that I wasn't going to hurt myself. She saw that I had a great support system and she gave me some anti-depressants. It has been almost 3 weeks and I feel like they are working.
I'm not bouncing off the walls happy, but I feel tons better. I'm not suffering from anxiety as much as I was, in fact, I haven't had an anxiety attack for the last two days.
All in all, I feel pretty good.  It has been a good few days.

June 20th, 2011

Breath, just breath. This is my new mantra.  I feel like I haven't breathed in years.  My heart still feels like it has been broken into a million pieces. I don't know which way to turn or what to do first.

But I can do this. I am a strong person. I am resilient. I have a good support system. Breath Denise, just breath. You have been in this dark place before and gotten through it. You came out on the other side and you were stronger and wiser.  OK, so you have back slidden (I don't think that's a word), so what. People do that all the time and they come back from it. I can too.

I am a phoenix, rising from the ashes of my life.  A life I don't want any part of any longer.  I am broken and I have nothing and nobody.  That's not true, my mother and sister have been awesome support for me. I have my daughters and grand daughters and in some place far away I have Joe.

I want to do this the right way.. I'm not sure where this journey is going to lead me, but I have to take it none the less.  I have to figure out what it is I want and get it for myself.  I have got to be strong.. I don't have any more choices. I cannot hide from my own life.. Enough is enough.

Tomorrow I begin to put the pieces back together.  Good luck.

June 15, 2011 Part 2

I feel possessed. I keep struggling to not txt him, to not email him. I want to send him some scriptures that I found, but I cannot. I must refrain from doing so. I know if I can just get through today, then it will be easier tomorrow. It is almost a curse to have so many ways to contact him. I can call him, txt him, email him, I can leave a PM on his facebook or just a message on his FB page.

To easy to just reach out and for what reason? so that he can reassure ME.  NO, I am going to do this on my own, I am going to get through this.  Go get dressed.

June 15,2011

“Confront the dark parts of yourself, and work to banish them with illumination and forgiveness. Your willingness to wrestle with your demons will cause your angels to sing. Use the pain as fuel, as a reminder of your strength.”
                                                                                   
                                                                                    August Wilson 


I am going to start each blog with some questions. They will be the same questions each day.


What is your intention for the day?


  My intention for the day is to remind myself constantly of all of my good attributes.  My intention in is to give myself a break and not call Joe.  He is a drug to me and calling him is the needle. My intention for the day is to enjoy spending time with people and allowing myself to just feel good for a little while.


How will you be good to yourself today?


 Today I will laugh. I will hold my head up high. I will remember that I have people who love me and whom I love. 



I think that at the end of each day, I will revisit my blog and post some other questions, just to see how I got through the day.


Now to my blog.  


Where am I at right now?  I'm not quite sure. I have been able to realize that I really need to follow through with the divorce.  I need to be the one to do it. I can't let him stay in control of the situation or of me.  I have to be the one to get the paper work and fill it out and send it to him.  I need to this for my ego and for my self preservation.  I can't help wondering and I know I have to stop.


I just have to let it go. Let go and let God. That's what people say. I have never been the kind of person to just let life happen, no, that is exactly the opposite of the truth. The truth is that I have always just let life happen to me. I have always just been a victim and I have always just let it bowl me over. I can't do that anymore.  I have got to focus my mind on what it is I want and figure out how I am going to get it.


I want to be in business for myself. I want to be able to hold my head up high and be proud of who I am. I want to be a positive role model for my daughters. I want to find first, peace within myself and 2nd and I know this is a long way down the road, perhaps love again...LOL, even if that just means that I find love within myself.


So, I need to refocus my thoughts and my energy to creating a life for myself. Something that I can move with me when it is time for me to leave here and go back into the fray.


Today I am going to go and play cards with my mom.  She and my sister have been pretty awesome in all of this.  Listening again and again to me crying over the same things.  I want this and I want that, I don't want this. I'm losing everything, wa wa wa.  It doesn't matter what I want or what I don't want. What matters is what I need. Right now I need to follow through with this divorce.  The only thing I am really losing is a bad marriage. It didn't comfort me, it didn't nurture me, it sapped me of my purpose and of my strength.  


I might have lost Joe as a husband and maybe even a friend, the friendship I am going to miss.  But I have to remember that Joe is a drug to me and calling him is my needle. I am not losing my kids.  They are hurt right now, confused even, but I know that when I come out on the other side of this that I will be stronger and happier. Once I am in a better more centered place, I will be able to be there for them like I have never been before.  The only other thing I am losing is the lost powerless Denise that has been suffering for so long and making everyone else suffer right along with her.


You are strong Denise, you have gotten through so much worse in your life. This is a hiccup.  Maybe someday you and Joe can really at least be friendly but you can't worry about that right now.  Get through today. Just get through today and you will be one step closer to the end of this pain.   Now paste a smile on your face and get going.

I Love Him, I Love Him Not!

It's a never ending cycle.  I love you, I love you not.  I want you, I want you not.  How do I stop from feeling this way?

I don't want our marriage the way it was, but I can't see me with someone else. I don't want to keep being hurt and I don't want to hurt him, but I can't see me lying in the arms of someone else.

What makes a marriage, love, respect, trust and communication.  We have love, I don't care how much he says he lost those feelings, he was just telling me last week how much he adores me, so I know that he just doesn't want to love me right now.  Trust, there is NO trust on either side.  Respect, I don't think he respects me, I can't honestly say that I respect him for the most part.  Communication, nada.  So what do we have.. Not enough to sustain a marriage.

Attitude, I have to change my attitude. I can't change the way that I feel, so I have to change the way that I think and the way I behave.  It's done! It doesn't matter how hard it is to let go, you just have to. Just breath. Just keep breathing and pretty soon you will wake up and be able to say, I am ready to let go. Darn, you let go a long time ago. So what's this all about. Is it really about wanting him?  Or about being rejected? Why would you want to go back to that place and risk being hurt all over again?

6/12/11 Awakening

"An "awakening" is a moment of clarity in which a new insight or understanding is gained. With this new awareness the experience of life is seen differently, and new possibilities are opened. Changes in patterns of thought, emotions, and behavior occur. An awakening allows the possibility of growth to new levels of psychological and spiritual maturity."


this is from a website I just discovered that I think is going to help me a lot in my journey.  I had this "awakening" the other night in the hospital.  I felt like I was dying, I could not breath, I knew my life was over as I had known it.  Then, Aley, my oldest daughter, said something to me.  I think she told me I was narcissistic. She had told me this before and I had always been very offended by it, but in that moment, it was as if she had opened a door.  If I wanted to put it into biblical terms, it was as if she had washed the scales away from eyes and I could see so so clearly.  I could see everything that I had done to push everyone away, I could see how I had been using food to guard myself against my feelings. I could see how I had rejected Joe again and again, even when he begged me to hear him and see him, to be with him, to share his heart. I just couldn't until THAT moment, and in that same moment, I knew it was too late. I knew that no matter how ready I was to fix it all.. the people around me had had enough of it.


I don't blame them, any of them. Had I been in their shoes, I would probably feel the same. So that is why I left TN to come to NM. I needed to give myself some time to just reflect on my life, get some perspective and figure out where I go from here.  It is hard to plan your life when you aren't capable of looking more than 5 minutes into the future.. so I am not going to try to plan my life yet.  


Anyway, back to this website.  There are daily lessons and I that if I pair this along with praying and reading, that I will have a good start on my spiritual health and my mental and emotional health goals.  So, here I go.. I think as I do these lessons that they will be separate blogs, this way I will have a log of sorts.  

Ecclesiastes 4:9-10

Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their work: If one falls down,his friend can help him up. But pity the man who falls and has no one to help him up!

Day 5 6/12/11

Today feels like HELL.

I don't know why. I have all of these feelings bubbling to the surface and I can't describe them or explain them. I feel antsy, like I am supposed to be doing something.  I feel like I have to keep moving forward and if I don't I will be stuck.  Maybe I am still trying to avoid my feelings.  They scare me, I feel like if I start looking at them, if I really start to feel them, then I will fall into this endless pit of sorrow and despair, then again, isn't that where I have been.

I have spent so much time these last few days talking to my mother and my sister, geez, the must be so tired of hearing about my crap.  But I have learned a lot too.  I have learned a lot and it has stirred up a lot.  I want to run so far away from all of this. I really want to just run where nobody knows me and I can just be someone else.  There wouldn't be any expectations. People would just accept me at face value.  If and when I  go home, everyone is going to expect something different. They will either expect me to be the same so they will keep looking for signs that I haven't and if I should show any signs of being the old me, they will just think the rest is a lie.   Or they will expect me to be totally different and be disappointed in me when I am still just me.

I don't even know who that is yet. I see brief glimpses of me... a little spark of humor here and there.  I remember that person from a long time ago.  I just want to be free... I just don't want to have this tightness in my chest anymore.  This feeling like if I let my guard down, something will happen. I want to just release it all... maybe I will just go for a walk, its the middle of the day and like a 100 degrees outside, so I don't know if that is the best idea, but I feel like I need something.....something physical...

Pain, pain go away, come again some other ... never.
Ephesians 4:25-26
²⁵ Therefore each of you must put off falsehood and speak truthfully to your neighbor, for we are all members of one body. ²⁶ “In your anger do not sin”: Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry, 

Day 3 6/10/11

I woke up this morning.  I saw that the sun was still shining.  It kind of shocked me... but there it was in all it's glory.  Joe and I have split up and the sun still came up.  Reminds me of that Reba song:


Last night I prayed the Lord my soul to keep
Then I cried myself to sleep
So sure life wouldn't go on without you
But oh this sun is blinding me
As it wakes me from the dark
I guess the world didn't stop
For my broken heart

Clocks still tickin' life goes on
Radio stil plays a song as i try to put my scattered thoughts in place
And it takes all the strength i've got to stumble to the coffe pot
The first of many lonely mornings i'll have to face
You called to see if i'm ok i look out the window and i just say:

Last night I prayed the Lord my soul to keep
Then I cried myself to sleep
So sure life wouldn't go on without you
But oh this sun is blinding me
As it wakes me from the dark
I guess the world didn't stop
For my broken heart

I guess the world ain't gonna stop
For my broken heart


My heart is broken into a million pieces, but I don't think it broke in the last few days, I think it broke years ago. I feel like I just kept gluing the pieces back together, but they just kept falling off, till now. Now it is just shattered and there doesn't seem to be any glue strong enough to mend it.  But I know that I have to put the pieces back and I know I can.


I am going to go to an OA meeting tonight.  As I mentioned before, I think my best chance to gain some focus is a 12 step program.  I'm hoping that it will be the key to getting some control over my life.  I've laid out some goals, here is what I have so far.


Mental Health-12 step program, create a routine, 
Emotional Health- Be good to myself, meditate, breath, talk, talk, talk, cry, cry, cry,  keep crying until you have released all of the poison in your system from the last 47 years
Physical Health- get to dr so that you can go back on your thyroid meds, eat healthier and at regular intervals. Cut out bread(its a trigger), cut out sugar, lower carb intake. drink more water
Spiritual Health- this is going to be the most difficult, go back to Church, read Bible every day, pray, pray and pray some more....


These things are my focus. I honestly do not know where this will all lead, but where ever it is, it has to be better than where I am right now.


Matthew 17:20  He said to them, “Because of your little faith. For truly, I say to you, if you have faith like a grain of mustard seed, you will say to this mountain, ‘Move from here to there,’ and it will move, and nothing will be impossible for you.”

Leaving Tennessee Day 2 Part 2

There's probably going to be a lot of parts today... its a big day.

I'm going to see Joe in a few minutes.. He called a bit ago, I'm not sure why.

He wanted to tell me that he was going to a meeting at 3 in nashville... I don't know why he needs to tell me this.. It isn't my business. I didn't ask him why, I thought if I did, it might set him off.

The truth is that I believe that Joe really still wants to be with me. He is way to upset to not want to be with me. He is way to unwilling to see me.  I sent Joe a letter telling him I think he did the right thing.  Forgiving him if you will.  I just wanted him to know that I was ok with whats gone down.. I thought it would relieve him of guilt...

then I started to tell him that I was leaving him the number of chreokee mental health clinic in case he might want to make an appt... and he started telling me this wasn't an easy day for him either. I stopped him and asked him what I had said to set him off, and he admitted that he hadn't even heard what I said. I suspect that is true of both of us these last few years... 

I;m sure there will be more later, I don't know why, but I feel the need to document what is happening now...

In repentance and rest is your salvation, in quietness and trust is your strength. (Isaiah 30:15)

Leaving Tennessee Day 2

I was beginning to head out of the dark.  I was pushing myself.. it was hard, but I was trying. I would have failed.... I wasn't ready to really face it all. I'm still not.

Today is going to be hard. I have to continually remind myself that Joe needs me to be strong. I have to take me  out of the equation in all of this. At least for today. He has to see that I am determined to get through this.

Why?  I wish I could stop trying to look into the future, I wish I could just focus on right now, this moment. The marriage is over. I just have to accept that.  What happens in a month or a year is irrelevant   But I know Joe, and I know that he loves me. I know that somewhere in the back of his mind, he is trying to make a clean break so that we can some how find our way back to each other.

I know he doesn't want to believe that, but Joe has always been about fairy tails and romance.  We can't start the new fairy tale till the old fairy tale is through.  I can't look at it like that though. I just have to accept that the marriage is dead. I need to grieve that. I have to grieve the fact that I took advantage of Joe's pure love. I didn't appreciate it. He told me for years that he was invisible, I just didn't get it.  I didn't see my part in the demise of our relationship. I knew it was coming. I felt it.  God how hard he tried.  How horrible I made him feel.

I don't know the 12 steps, I know some of them, but not the order they come in.  I am choosing to do a 12 step program because I feel it is my best chance at finding some peace in my soul. I blogged a while back about there being a hole in my soul...its a big black hole. I don't know how I am going to fill it, but I believe that Joe is right that I need to get back to church. I need something to hold onto.. something, God anything to believe in.

Another thought occurred to me last night. I keep getting these brief images in my head of times that have passed.  Last night, I was remembering a time when Joe came home from prison. He was so at peace with himself. He brought home some journals, I wish I knew where those were right now. He had wanted me to read them and I couldn't.  That was really, I believe in my heart, the beginning of the end. How long ago was that, almost 6 years.  He wanted to share his experience with me and I couldn't, no, I wouldn't do it. I didn't want to experience his pain and his fear. I didn't want to have been in prison with him.  He wanted me to SEE him, he was willing to open himself bare to me and I wouldn't let him do it.   I see  you now Joe. I hear you, I am just so effing sorry that it is just to darn late for us.

I don't know if God can hear my prayers, I am not even sure I know how to pray anymore.  I wish I could ask Joe to help me with that, but I think that no matter what I do at this point, he won't believe it is genuine. He will think it is just so that he will want to come back to me.  In this moment, that is what I want with all of my heart, but I also need to be sure for myself that what ever happens this month and from now on, it is for ME. NOT to win him back.  I have to find a way through this hole I have created for myself. I have to come out on the other side and be able to look in the mirror and not see the FUGLY that I see now. I am beginning to realize that seeing that is more about my insides than my physical appearance.  I want peace. I want to feel joy.  I am imaging a day in the future, we will be at a family gathering.. I will have cooked up a storm..  Joe will be there... because it is a family gathering. Maybe we will say grace, Everyone will be helping themselves to dinner.. Maybe I will be helping Kate get Mia's plate together... Rei will probably be on my other side... I will look up and see Joe smiling at me with his head cocked to the side just a bit.  Amusement will light his eyes... and he'll nod to me.. and I will know in that moment that he  has forgiven me for my shallow, self centered, self absorbed behavior.  And later, when I walk him to the door and thank him for coming, he'll hug me... and I will feel like I am home again. 

I love you baby.. I wish I could have made you feel the power of my love.  The only thing I can do now is find myself, find my heart, because I believe that is what he really wants for me and the only way I could repay him for trying as hard as he has tried.

today I promise to hold my head up high.  do not pressure him. Don't bring up anything. Don't ask questions. keep it light.  Let him say what ever is on his mind in his own way and time.  Don't react.... hug him good bye and don't cry. Today is for you Joe. Today is for you to see that as hard as it was for you, as gut wrenching as it has been, this is the right choice for the both of us.  Its hard baby, so hard to come face to face with all my failures, but I will go and rest and get some perspective. When I come back, I will be able to let it all go....  

Deuteronomy 7:8 NLT God loves you simply because he has chosen to do so. He loves you when you don’t feel lovely. He loves you when no one else loves you. Others may abandon you, divorce you, and ignore you, but God will love you. Always. No matter what.

June 8th, 2011 part 2

I have moved through so many emotions today.  Anger at myself, anger at Joe for not being willing to give me the same chance I gave him years ago.  Fear, loathing, acceptance, rejection, gratitude, more acceptance, more fear.. sorrow....

I have run the gamut of grief.  I have made deals with myself. I have tried to convince myself that this is the right thing to do, only to turn around and want to fight for him.  In the end, all of this is about me.  A little while ago, I tried to see it from his point of view. He's alone, I have the girls.  He has been hurting for so long and he gave me every opportunity to turn things around.. I didn't listen and so now I don't have the right to ask anything more of him.

I just want to keep talking, so I have called everyone I could think of...he is alone.. 

It doesn't matter any more.. Its done.

I just have to let it happen. I just have to allow myself to feel  this without putting it on him.  I can do this.. I think I can... I'm sure I can....

Remember this,

1 Corinthians 13

 ¹ If I speak in the tongues of men or of angels, but do not have love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. ² If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but do not have love, I am nothing. ³ If I give all I possess to the poor and give over my body to hardship that I may boast, but do not have love, I gain nothing.

A Love Letter to Myself

Dear Denise,

Today is June 8th, 2011.  Your life has fallen apart.  You have lost everything.  You have destroyed the people around you. The people that you hold closest to your heart, you have managed to push away.  This could be the end for you. You can look at this day and say, "this is the end of my life." or  you can say, "this is the first day of my life".  Whats it going to be Denise?  

You know from experience that you need to move through this tunnel to get to the other side.  You know from experience that you will do that, you will come out on the other side, the only real question is, will you still be this same narcissistic, self absorbed, scared little girl who is afraid to experience anything in your life, or will you come out more whole than you have ever been in your life?  Will you take this opportunity to find a way to love yourself, find things in you that are good and worth while or will you just stay in pain?

Forests fires have to happen to clean out the underbrush so that a healthier forest can flourish.  Are you willing to allow all of that underbrush to be burned away?  

Promises to myself. 

1. I promise to wake up every morning and tell myself that I am a good person, that I am worthy of love.

2. I promise to not think about the future or how I will fit back into everyone's life.

3. I promise to just work on my own stuff....

Today is the day Denise, if you let it be, today is the day to take back what was stolen from you so so long ago....

do it, just do it and get through it, tomorrow will be better.. I promise, tomorrow will be better.

Love,

Me

Hear my cry, O God; listen to my prayer. From the ends of the earth I call to you, I call as my heart grows faint; lead me to the rock that is higher than I. For you have been my refuge, a strong tower against the foe. I long to dwell in your tent forever and take refuge in the shelter of your wings. (Psalm 61:1-4)

What Does the Edge Look Like

Most stories start at the beginning or at least what looks like the beginning. This story is going to start from where I am at right now.  Right now I am on the edge. "The edge of what?" you might wonder.  It could be the edge of a cliff, the edge of a knife...but it isn't, at least not in my mind.  It's the edge of my life.

 It's like this, for the last almost 48 years I have been traveling this road. It's been a bumpy road, it's had some really high peaks and some very deep valleys.  But it has been the same road with some twists and turns.  A couple of times there have been "forks" in the road but they usually just wind up being detours because, eventually I end up on the same road, until now.

It seems I have come to the end of this road, I have reached the edge.  As I look around me, I see the devastation I have left in my wake.  Those that have loved me the most, have suffered the worst.  I see the pain tattooed on their faces.  The fear, the need, I see it all now and I cannot believe that this will be my legacy.  I look ahead of me but that is unknown.  I seem to be faced with a choice.  I can stand here and twiddle my thumbs and feel sorry for myself and cry "Oh woe is me!" or I can jump.  I don't know how long the fall will be or how hard the landing will be or even where I will land, but I know that if I don't at least try, well, I will just be stuck here on the edge...

It doesn't seem like I really have much choice, I am going to have to jump.