June 8th, 2011 part 2

I have moved through so many emotions today.  Anger at myself, anger at Joe for not being willing to give me the same chance I gave him years ago.  Fear, loathing, acceptance, rejection, gratitude, more acceptance, more fear.. sorrow....

I have run the gamut of grief.  I have made deals with myself. I have tried to convince myself that this is the right thing to do, only to turn around and want to fight for him.  In the end, all of this is about me.  A little while ago, I tried to see it from his point of view. He's alone, I have the girls.  He has been hurting for so long and he gave me every opportunity to turn things around.. I didn't listen and so now I don't have the right to ask anything more of him.

I just want to keep talking, so I have called everyone I could think of...he is alone.. 

It doesn't matter any more.. Its done.

I just have to let it happen. I just have to allow myself to feel  this without putting it on him.  I can do this.. I think I can... I'm sure I can....

Remember this,

1 Corinthians 13

 ¹ If I speak in the tongues of men or of angels, but do not have love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. ² If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but do not have love, I am nothing. ³ If I give all I possess to the poor and give over my body to hardship that I may boast, but do not have love, I gain nothing.