Today is going to be hard. I have to continually remind myself that Joe needs me to be strong. I have to take me out of the equation in all of this. At least for today. He has to see that I am determined to get through this.
Why? I wish I could stop trying to look into the future, I wish I could just focus on right now, this moment. The marriage is over. I just have to accept that. What happens in a month or a year is irrelevant But I know Joe, and I know that he loves me. I know that somewhere in the back of his mind, he is trying to make a clean break so that we can some how find our way back to each other.
I know he doesn't want to believe that, but Joe has always been about fairy tails and romance. We can't start the new fairy tale till the old fairy tale is through. I can't look at it like that though. I just have to accept that the marriage is dead. I need to grieve that. I have to grieve the fact that I took advantage of Joe's pure love. I didn't appreciate it. He told me for years that he was invisible, I just didn't get it. I didn't see my part in the demise of our relationship. I knew it was coming. I felt it. God how hard he tried. How horrible I made him feel.
I don't know the 12 steps, I know some of them, but not the order they come in. I am choosing to do a 12 step program because I feel it is my best chance at finding some peace in my soul. I blogged a while back about there being a hole in my soul...its a big black hole. I don't know how I am going to fill it, but I believe that Joe is right that I need to get back to church. I need something to hold onto.. something, God anything to believe in.
Another thought occurred to me last night. I keep getting these brief images in my head of times that have passed. Last night, I was remembering a time when Joe came home from prison. He was so at peace with himself. He brought home some journals, I wish I knew where those were right now. He had wanted me to read them and I couldn't. That was really, I believe in my heart, the beginning of the end. How long ago was that, almost 6 years. He wanted to share his experience with me and I couldn't, no, I wouldn't do it. I didn't want to experience his pain and his fear. I didn't want to have been in prison with him. He wanted me to SEE him, he was willing to open himself bare to me and I wouldn't let him do it. I see you now Joe. I hear you, I am just so effing sorry that it is just to darn late for us.
I don't know if God can hear my prayers, I am not even sure I know how to pray anymore. I wish I could ask Joe to help me with that, but I think that no matter what I do at this point, he won't believe it is genuine. He will think it is just so that he will want to come back to me. In this moment, that is what I want with all of my heart, but I also need to be sure for myself that what ever happens this month and from now on, it is for ME. NOT to win him back. I have to find a way through this hole I have created for myself. I have to come out on the other side and be able to look in the mirror and not see the FUGLY that I see now. I am beginning to realize that seeing that is more about my insides than my physical appearance. I want peace. I want to feel joy. I am imaging a day in the future, we will be at a family gathering.. I will have cooked up a storm.. Joe will be there... because it is a family gathering. Maybe we will say grace, Everyone will be helping themselves to dinner.. Maybe I will be helping Kate get Mia's plate together... Rei will probably be on my other side... I will look up and see Joe smiling at me with his head cocked to the side just a bit. Amusement will light his eyes... and he'll nod to me.. and I will know in that moment that he has forgiven me for my shallow, self centered, self absorbed behavior. And later, when I walk him to the door and thank him for coming, he'll hug me... and I will feel like I am home again.
I love you baby.. I wish I could have made you feel the power of my love. The only thing I can do now is find myself, find my heart, because I believe that is what he really wants for me and the only way I could repay him for trying as hard as he has tried.
today I promise to hold my head up high. do not pressure him. Don't bring up anything. Don't ask questions. keep it light. Let him say what ever is on his mind in his own way and time. Don't react.... hug him good bye and don't cry. Today is for you Joe. Today is for you to see that as hard as it was for you, as gut wrenching as it has been, this is the right choice for the both of us. Its hard baby, so hard to come face to face with all my failures, but I will go and rest and get some perspective. When I come back, I will be able to let it all go....
Deuteronomy 7:8 NLT God loves you simply because he has chosen to do so. He loves you when you don’t feel lovely. He loves you when no one else loves you. Others may abandon you, divorce you, and ignore you, but God will love you. Always. No matter what.
No comments:
Post a Comment