6/12/11 Awakening

"An "awakening" is a moment of clarity in which a new insight or understanding is gained. With this new awareness the experience of life is seen differently, and new possibilities are opened. Changes in patterns of thought, emotions, and behavior occur. An awakening allows the possibility of growth to new levels of psychological and spiritual maturity."


this is from a website I just discovered that I think is going to help me a lot in my journey.  I had this "awakening" the other night in the hospital.  I felt like I was dying, I could not breath, I knew my life was over as I had known it.  Then, Aley, my oldest daughter, said something to me.  I think she told me I was narcissistic. She had told me this before and I had always been very offended by it, but in that moment, it was as if she had opened a door.  If I wanted to put it into biblical terms, it was as if she had washed the scales away from eyes and I could see so so clearly.  I could see everything that I had done to push everyone away, I could see how I had been using food to guard myself against my feelings. I could see how I had rejected Joe again and again, even when he begged me to hear him and see him, to be with him, to share his heart. I just couldn't until THAT moment, and in that same moment, I knew it was too late. I knew that no matter how ready I was to fix it all.. the people around me had had enough of it.


I don't blame them, any of them. Had I been in their shoes, I would probably feel the same. So that is why I left TN to come to NM. I needed to give myself some time to just reflect on my life, get some perspective and figure out where I go from here.  It is hard to plan your life when you aren't capable of looking more than 5 minutes into the future.. so I am not going to try to plan my life yet.  


Anyway, back to this website.  There are daily lessons and I that if I pair this along with praying and reading, that I will have a good start on my spiritual health and my mental and emotional health goals.  So, here I go.. I think as I do these lessons that they will be separate blogs, this way I will have a log of sorts.  

Ecclesiastes 4:9-10

Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their work: If one falls down,his friend can help him up. But pity the man who falls and has no one to help him up!