July 26th, 2011 AM

Wow, I just went back and read all of my previous posts. What a trip that was. Talk about moving in fast forward.

Life is an uphill battle, but like Miley Cirus says, "It's the climb".

I have had some really low lows and now I feel like I am riding the crest of a wave. I feel renewed and regenerated. But I said this in my last blog. Joe and I have been praying together, which is such a blessing to me, I hope it is to him too. I was never able to do that before. I feel unsure in the way I pray. Especially compared to Joe, he prays so beautifully, it is so heart felt and sincere.

It is just so awesome to be talking to him again. To be his friend. I feel like he gets me like no one else does. He has seen me at my worst and I am happy for him to see me at my best (or at least talk to me at my best). I know he is scared and unsure. I know he wants to start trusting me again but he is so frightened that I will hurt him again. I don't blame him, I would feel the same exact way if our roles were reversed. It is easy to say I have changed, but until he sees it himself, he will never believe it.

have to go to therapy now, will probably blog more later...

July 24th, 2011

ok, it has been almost another 10 days since my last post and I feel AWESOME.

I can not even explain it. I don't know if it is God that saved me, the hypno therapy mp3s I have been listening to, or all the reading I have been doing, but I feel like a new person.  I wish I could go back in time about two years and tell myself to stop being stupid and get on the ball, take your darn pills and start praying for a miracle.. maybe I would have avoided causing myself and everyone around me so much pain.

All of the anger that I felt before is gone. All of the pain and anxiety I felt, gone.  I wake up excited every morning and I want to do something, but I miss my girls and I miss Joe.  I feel like I have no one  to do anything with and it will only get worse once Tina goes back to work... that is two weeks away... :o( .
My mom and my sister have been so awesome to me. They have encouraged me and supported me through all of the Hell I have been going through. Listening to me cry about the same thing again and again... and again... I couldn't have done that, at least I couldn't have before.. I think I could now.

I have a clear idea of what I want out of my life and right now that does not  include a man.  Although I hope to retain Joe as my friend, I honestly can not imagine my life without him in it.  It doesn't seem possible, but I guess I am going to have to get use to the idea.

Anyway, for today, I am doing great. I feel strong, I feel whole.. I feel like I want to start having some fun....

God Bless

July 15th, 2011

Boy, it's been a while.
Where am I at?  I have gone to the hospital because I just could not stop crying. It was non stop for 3 days, I finally asked my sister to take me. I was so scared, I really thought that they were going to admit me. Even my mom and sister were scared.  What finally happened though is that the dr I saw realized that I wasn't going to hurt myself. She saw that I had a great support system and she gave me some anti-depressants. It has been almost 3 weeks and I feel like they are working.
I'm not bouncing off the walls happy, but I feel tons better. I'm not suffering from anxiety as much as I was, in fact, I haven't had an anxiety attack for the last two days.
All in all, I feel pretty good.  It has been a good few days.