“Confront the dark parts of yourself, and work to banish them with illumination and forgiveness. Your willingness to wrestle with your demons will cause your angels to sing. Use the pain as fuel, as a reminder of your strength.”
August Wilson
I am going to start each blog with some questions. They will be the same questions each day.
What is your intention for the day?
My intention for the day is to remind myself constantly of all of my good attributes. My intention in is to give myself a break and not call Joe. He is a drug to me and calling him is the needle. My intention for the day is to enjoy spending time with people and allowing myself to just feel good for a little while.
How will you be good to yourself today?
Today I will laugh. I will hold my head up high. I will remember that I have people who love me and whom I love.
I think that at the end of each day, I will revisit my blog and post some other questions, just to see how I got through the day.
Now to my blog.
Where am I at right now? I'm not quite sure. I have been able to realize that I really need to follow through with the divorce. I need to be the one to do it. I can't let him stay in control of the situation or of me. I have to be the one to get the paper work and fill it out and send it to him. I need to this for my ego and for my self preservation. I can't help wondering and I know I have to stop.
I just have to let it go. Let go and let God. That's what people say. I have never been the kind of person to just let life happen, no, that is exactly the opposite of the truth. The truth is that I have always just let life happen to me. I have always just been a victim and I have always just let it bowl me over. I can't do that anymore. I have got to focus my mind on what it is I want and figure out how I am going to get it.
I want to be in business for myself. I want to be able to hold my head up high and be proud of who I am. I want to be a positive role model for my daughters. I want to find first, peace within myself and 2nd and I know this is a long way down the road, perhaps love again...LOL, even if that just means that I find love within myself.
So, I need to refocus my thoughts and my energy to creating a life for myself. Something that I can move with me when it is time for me to leave here and go back into the fray.
Today I am going to go and play cards with my mom. She and my sister have been pretty awesome in all of this. Listening again and again to me crying over the same things. I want this and I want that, I don't want this. I'm losing everything, wa wa wa. It doesn't matter what I want or what I don't want. What matters is what I need. Right now I need to follow through with this divorce. The only thing I am really losing is a bad marriage. It didn't comfort me, it didn't nurture me, it sapped me of my purpose and of my strength.
I might have lost Joe as a husband and maybe even a friend, the friendship I am going to miss. But I have to remember that Joe is a drug to me and calling him is my needle. I am not losing my kids. They are hurt right now, confused even, but I know that when I come out on the other side of this that I will be stronger and happier. Once I am in a better more centered place, I will be able to be there for them like I have never been before. The only other thing I am losing is the lost powerless Denise that has been suffering for so long and making everyone else suffer right along with her.
You are strong Denise, you have gotten through so much worse in your life. This is a hiccup. Maybe someday you and Joe can really at least be friendly but you can't worry about that right now. Get through today. Just get through today and you will be one step closer to the end of this pain. Now paste a smile on your face and get going.
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