I'm on the edge again, almost exactly a year from my last post and here I am again, staring into oblivion.
It would be so easy to blame Joe and the girls, but really I have done it to myself.  I have forgotten, not forgotten, just was to lazy I guess to keep doing the things that were making me feel better. I put it on Joe to do that.  My whole world once again became about him and what he wanted and what he needed.

There are positive things, although I am on the edge, I have people who are keeping me grounded.  Helping me to remember what is really important in my life. Helping me keep things real and reminding me that I really have to put myself first and take care of me  before I can put any effort into anything else.  And the there is God.  I am not sure of my place with him, no, that's not true, I know He is there for ME, I am just not sure I am open enough to accept the power of Him into my life.

Here is where I am at right now.
I weigh 250 LBS
I have pain in my legs, hips, knees ankles and my feet.
I have a very weak bladder made worse by my weight.
I am mildly depressed
My thyroid is slow (on 50 mgs of synthroid)
I have no energy, even the simplest of tasks overwhelm me.
I am angry all the time
No sense of humor
I find pleasure in very little, not even my grand daughters are doing it for me.
I don't want to be around anyone.
No SEX, not even the desire for sex, again, not true, I have the desire but when I get into a situation where it is possible, I freeze up.  Even self satisfaction is just to much work right now.

Where I would like to be in a month:
Lose 20lbs
have less pain
be able to do simple tasks without it exhausting me
work out better, maybe 10 minutes of cardio each day and 4 days at gym.
be less stressed
be going to sleep by 1 am

In 6 months:
Lose 60 lbs
80% of pain gone
be able to take 3-4 mile walks at least 3 times a week
out of bed unless sleeping for the night, maybe one half hour nap during the day
30 min of cardio, gym 4-5 times a week
be laughing more
be in bed by 9 and  up by 5

In a year:
have lost all my excess weight
be able to walk 10 miles at least 3 times a week
laugh all the time.
Rock climbing,
only in gym when necessary, be outside more doing physical things, gardening, canoeing, maybe take up golf or tennis, start bike riding
I really really would love to go on a very out doorsy type trip. Maybe back packing in Australia or
New Zealand, maybe walk the Appalachian trail.. .something really physically challenging

I think these are obtainable goals.   This time next year, I will be about to turn 50 and I would love to mentor other men and women my age to achieve the things they would like to achieve in their lives.  I would love to be a part of Bills team and be a positive role model for people, young and old.  I felt last year that there was a purpose that God had for me that I was not fulfilling, I started to get there, but I let things get in my way.a
Mostly myself, I think I got scared and it got to hard, but I am going to get through the hard part of this and then I am going to help other people through the hard part of this.

I hope and pray that Joe comes with me.  I do love him very much and I see something so loving and giving in him.  But I see frailty too. He is so angry and it really holds him back, but that is his to deal with, I can only deal with myself and my problems. At some point, our purposes will cross, but for right now, I really feel like I have to learn to be me, I have to be a "me" before I can become an "us" again.

God, I want to walk with you on this journey. I want to feel your breath on my cheek when I get weary. I want to feel your hand on my back when I want to stop and feel you gently pushing me forward. I want to live YOUR purpose and I want to be brave enough to trust that YOU will never abandon me and it doesn't matter if I am alone in this world because YOU will always be beside me.

Here goes, another trip away from the edge....