Day 5 6/12/11

Today feels like HELL.

I don't know why. I have all of these feelings bubbling to the surface and I can't describe them or explain them. I feel antsy, like I am supposed to be doing something.  I feel like I have to keep moving forward and if I don't I will be stuck.  Maybe I am still trying to avoid my feelings.  They scare me, I feel like if I start looking at them, if I really start to feel them, then I will fall into this endless pit of sorrow and despair, then again, isn't that where I have been.

I have spent so much time these last few days talking to my mother and my sister, geez, the must be so tired of hearing about my crap.  But I have learned a lot too.  I have learned a lot and it has stirred up a lot.  I want to run so far away from all of this. I really want to just run where nobody knows me and I can just be someone else.  There wouldn't be any expectations. People would just accept me at face value.  If and when I  go home, everyone is going to expect something different. They will either expect me to be the same so they will keep looking for signs that I haven't and if I should show any signs of being the old me, they will just think the rest is a lie.   Or they will expect me to be totally different and be disappointed in me when I am still just me.

I don't even know who that is yet. I see brief glimpses of me... a little spark of humor here and there.  I remember that person from a long time ago.  I just want to be free... I just don't want to have this tightness in my chest anymore.  This feeling like if I let my guard down, something will happen. I want to just release it all... maybe I will just go for a walk, its the middle of the day and like a 100 degrees outside, so I don't know if that is the best idea, but I feel like I need something.....something physical...

Pain, pain go away, come again some other ... never.
Ephesians 4:25-26
²⁵ Therefore each of you must put off falsehood and speak truthfully to your neighbor, for we are all members of one body. ²⁶ “In your anger do not sin”: Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry,